Tuesday, June 20, 2006

i noe that it's dumb of me to even consider that he might still love me and come back to me.. e more i think of it.. e more i realise that i'm e only one who's gg to be hurt.. he'll juz hve to tell me and back into the guy's arms he can pop into.. being embraced and cared for.. whereas for me, i'll be all alone.. dunno who to turn to..
my frens are worried abt me.. they wan me to move on..
one of them told me, they are already happily together.. and since u guys have broken up.. why shld i still hold on to it? it's e blue star and the tot of him tt made me carry on with the trip in aussie.. i love him before.. and i still love him now..
actually i'm very scared.. my mind is workig out all e possibilities.. right now, as i'm typing this, he shld either be at the guy's place sleeping n cuddling with him.. or he'll be at his own place waiting for e guy to wake up and bring him to work at 10.. e more i think abt it.. e more afraid i get.. it's blatantly true to me, he has someone else in his life now.. but how come i'm still holding on?
if he din say tt he still loves me, will i be able to move on faster?
i realise that he has a lot ot give up if he's with me.. really alot..
i'm willing to change for him.. i wan to devote more of my time to him.. i am prepared to stand up against my parents.. i felt tt i'm ready to even juz move in with him n lead my life w him.. but now, it's all gone isnt it..
i wish i've e chance to tell him all this..
he's good fren with my ex now.. they are always playing mahjong together.. he'll not be happy if he had to stop playing mj with my ex.. and i'm sure my ex will prefer to play with him and his current.. i'm not a good player and i'm definitely not as frenly as his current ..
i dun want to compare myself with him anymore..
it's tiring to be thinking all e time abt such things..

 D.A.  flew at 5:41 PM

i hate myself for trying to deceive mysel that i dun really care
i tot i dun love him as much as i actually do.. but in fact, who am i trying to kid?
i told myself before i left..
choose the lesser of the 2 evils..
he wun be able to wait till i return, he'll surely be able to find someone else behind my back and he'll cheat on me.. i dun wan to hate him for cheating on me.. i dun wan to hate him for being unfaithful..
i left him.. i left him all alone and went to australia. i dun feel good abt it.. but i have already made my decision to go.. i noe he dun want me to go.. i hope i have stayed and not go to australia and be there for him.. i love him.. i dun wnat him to feel upset anymore.. but everything is too late.. i left..
5 weeks have past.. he told me whn i was still there that he was seeing someone else already.. i was hurt.. i was devastated.. i told myself.. the new guy will be able to give him happiness.. i was worried abt him.. he cough.. due to his asthma.. he cough out blood.. i was very worried.. i told him once and again to rmbr to tke his medications regularly.. i tot i was being magnanimous i was being nuts actually
how i can give up someone i love and let someone else take care of him? how can anyone actually be so stupid?
i came back.. i was unable to face e fact that he already have someone else in his life. he tok nothing else to me other thn that person.. one full hour and it's all abt him and him.. i cant imagine this hppning to me..
he told me i'm the one for him. i tot i am e one for him. i love him. and he said he'll always love me. but i guess, when ppl say that they will always love you, they only say tt whn there's no longer any more that can be carried on btw the 2 of you.. i really wanted to carry on.. i put up a false strong front. i told myself.. tke a last look of him..tke a good look at the place where it held so much memory before. i took e look.. and i wanted to cry.. thn the new guy called.. it hurts.. it hurts so much.. he had to go n call the guy.. i have to mke my way.. i hate myself. whn i walk out of the door, i wanted to juz run off to somewhere.. anywhere..
he said "yes" to the guy. they are officially together..
i suddenly feel very lost. i have lost the love of someone i love. i've lost the love of someone who said that i am the one for him. he told me that it's becos i'm upset that he managed to move on earlier thn me..
i hate myself

 D.A.  flew at 12:43 AM